← 4.4
Act 4, Scene 5 — A room in the Garter Inn
on stage:
Next: 4.6 →
Original
Faithful Conversational Text-message
Enter Host and Simple.
HOST HOST's declaration

What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe,

discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

What would you have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

what would you have, boor? what, thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

what would you have, boor? what, thick-skin? spea

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.

Well, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.

well, sir, i come to speak with sir john falstaff from master slender.

well, sir, i come to speak with sir john falstaff

HOST HOST's declaration

There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and

truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh

and new. Go, knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto

thee. Knock, I say.

There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto you. Knock, I say.

there’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new. go, knock and call. he’ll speak like an anthropophaginian unto you. knock, i say.

there’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his st

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. I’ll be so

bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to speak with her,

indeed.

There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.

there’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. i’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. i come to speak with her, indeed.

there’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into hi

HOST HOST's declaration

Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call.—Bully knight!

Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is

thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.

Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from your lungs military. are you there? It is yours host, yours Ephesian, calls.

ha? a fat woman? the knight may be robbed. i’ll call.—bully knight! bully sir john! speak from your lungs military. are you there? it is yours host, yours ephesian, calls.

ha? a fat woman? the knight may be robbed. i’ll ca

[_Above_.] How now, mine host?
HOST HOST's declaration

Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let

her descend, bully, let her descend. My chambers are honourable. Fie!

Privacy? Fie!

Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of your fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend. My chambers are honourable. Fie! Privacy? Fie!

here’s a bohemian-tartar tarries the coming down of your fat woman. let her descend, bully, let her descend. my chambers are honourable. fie! privacy? fie!

here’s a bohemian-tartar tarries the coming down o

Enter Falstaff.
FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me, but she’s

gone.

A man who laughs at his own jokes is welcome in any company.

A guy who can laugh at himself is good company.

laughing at yourself

thats what matters

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brentford?

Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brentford?

pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of brentford?

pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of brentfo

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell. What would you with her?

A man who laughs at his own jokes is welcome in any company.

A guy who can laugh at himself is good company.

laughing at yourself

thats what matters

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through

the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a

chain, had the chain or no.

My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.

my master, sir, my master slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.

my master, sir, my master slender, sent to her, se

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

I spake with the old woman about it.

A man who laughs at his own jokes is welcome in any company.

A guy who can laugh at himself is good company.

laughing at yourself

thats what matters

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

And what says she, I pray, sir?

And what says she, I pray, sir?

and what says she, i pray, sir?

and what says she, i pray, sir?

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of

his chain cozened him of it.

Well, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.

well, she says that the very same man that beguiled master slender of his chain cozened him of it.

well, she says that the very same man that beguile

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had other things

to have spoken with her too, from him.

I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.

i would i could have spoken with the woman herself. i had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.

i would i could have spoken with the woman herself

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

What are they? Let us know.

What are they? Let us know.

what are they? let us know.

what are they? let us know.

HOST HOST's declaration

Ay, come. Quick.

Yes, come. Quick.

yes, come. quick.

yes, come. quick.

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

I may not conceal them, sir.

I may not conceal them, sir.

i may not conceal them, sir.

i may not conceal them, sir.

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

Conceal them, or thou diest.

Conceal them, or you diest.

conceal them, or you diest.

conceal them, or you diest.

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to know if it

were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress anne page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress ann

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

’Tis, ’tis his fortune.

’Tis, ’tis his fortune.

’tis, ’tis his fortune.

’tis, ’tis his fortune.

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

What sir?

What sir?

what sir?

what sir?

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

To have her, or no. Go, say the woman told me so.

I see a lovely woman and I cannot help but notice.

I see a pretty woman, I'm gonna say something nice.

shes beautiful

im just noticing

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

May I be bold to say so, sir?

May I be bold to say so, sir?

may i be bold to say so, sir?

may i be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

Ay, sir; like who more bold?

Yes, sir; like who more bold?

yes, sir; like who more bold?

yes, sir; like who more bold?

SIMPLE SIMPLE's declaration

I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings.

I thank your worship; I will make my master glad with these tidings.

i thank your worship; i will make my master glad with these tidings.

i thank your worship; i will make my master glad w

[_Exit Simple._]
HOST
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman
with thee?
FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than

ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither,

but was paid for my learning.

A man who laughs at his own jokes is welcome in any company.

A guy who can laugh at himself is good company.

laughing at yourself

thats what matters

Enter Bardolph.
BARDOLPH
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere cozenage!
HOST HOST's declaration

Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

BARDOLPH BARDOLPH's declaration

Run away, with the cozeners. For so soon as I came beyond Eton, they

threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire, and set

spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

Run away, with the cozeners. For so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire, and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

run away, with the cozeners. for so soon as i came beyond eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire, and set spurs and away, like three german devils, three doctor faustuses.

run away, with the cozeners. for so soon as i came

HOST HOST's declaration

They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain, do not say they be fled.

Germans are honest men.

They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain, do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

they are gone but to meet the duke, villain, do not say they be fled. germans are honest men.

they are gone but to meet the duke, villain, do no

Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
EVANS
Where is mine host?
HOST HOST's declaration

What is the matter, sir?

What is the matter, sir?

what is the matter, sir?

what is the matter, sir?

EVANS Pompously deploying malapropisms and half-understood Latin

Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to

town tells me there is three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the

hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I

tell you for good will, look you. You are wise, and full of gibes and

vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare

you well.

Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

have a care of your entertainments. there is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of readings, of maidenhead, of colebrook, of horses and money. i tell you for good will, look you. you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. fare you well.

have a care of your entertainments. there is a fri

[_Exit Evans._]
Enter Doctor Caius.
CAIUS Angry and combative; defending his honor

Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

Vere is mine host the Jarteer?

vere is mine host the jarteer?

vere is mine host the jarteer?

HOST HOST's declaration

Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful di

CAIUS Angry and combative; defending his honor

I cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make grand

preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the

court is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.

I cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke the Jamany. By my trot, there is no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.

i cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke the jamany. by my trot, there is no duke that the court is know to come. i tell you for good will. adieu.

i cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat

[_Exit Doctor Caius._]
HOST
Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist me, knight, I am undone.—Fly, run, hue
and cry, villain, I am undone!
[_Exeunt Host and Bardolph._]
FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and

beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been

transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled,

they would melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s

boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I

were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore

myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I would

repent.

A man who laughs at his own jokes is welcome in any company.

A guy who can laugh at himself is good company.

laughing at yourself

thats what matters

Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Gossipy and eager; playing all sides of the scheme

From the two parties, forsooth.

From the two parties, truly.

from the two parties, truly.

from the two parties, truly.

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

The devil take one party and his dam the other, and so they shall be

both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the

villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

The devil take one party and his dam the other, and so they will be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

the devil take one party and his dam the other, and so they will be both bestowed. i have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

the devil take one party and his dam the other, an

MISTRESS QUICKLY Gossipy and eager; playing all sides of the scheme

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant, speciously one of them.

Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot

see a white spot about her.

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

and have not they suffered? yes, i warrant, speciously one of them. mistress ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

and have not they suffered? yes, i warrant, specio

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

What tellst thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the

colours of the rainbow, and was like to be apprehended for the witch of

Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting

the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set

me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.

A man who laughs at his own jokes is welcome in any company.

A guy who can laugh at himself is good company.

laughing at yourself

thats what matters

MISTRESS QUICKLY Gossipy and eager; playing all sides of the scheme

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber, you shall hear how things

go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say

somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure,

one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber, you will hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.

sir, let me speak with you in your chamber, you will hear how things go, and, i warrant, to your content. here is a letter will say somewhat. good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.

sir, let me speak with you in your chamber, you wi

FALSTAFF Brazenly confident; weaponizing charm and humor

Come up into my chamber.

Come up into my chamber.

come up into my chamber.

come up into my chamber.

[_Exeunt._]

The Reckoning

If this happened today…

Continue to 4.6 →