Falstaff's rhetorical genius is the pivot: whenever cornered, he redirects — to a joke, a counter-attack, a sudden change of subject. He never defends himself directly. Watch for the pattern: accusation → deflection → new topic entirely.
Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
Boy, what did the doctor say about my urine?
So what'd the doc say about my pee?
what'd doctor say about my water
He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water; but, for the
party that owed it, he might have moe diseases than he knew for.
He said your urine is healthy, but you have more diseases than he knows about.
He said your pee is fine, but you're basically a walking disease.
your pee is healthy but you're sick more diseases than he knows
Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this
foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent anything that tends
to laughter more than I invent, or is invented on me. I am not only
witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men. I do here walk
before thee like a sow that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If
the Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to set me
off, why then I have no judgement. Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art
fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels. I was never
manned with an agate till now, but I will inset you neither in gold nor
silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master,
for a jewel,—the juvenal, the Prince your master, whose chin is not yet
fledge. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he
shall get one off his cheek; and yet he will not stick to say his face
is a face-royal. God may finish it when He will, ’tis not a hair amiss
yet. He may keep it still at a face-royal, for a barber shall never
earn sixpence out of it. And yet he’ll be crowing as if he had writ man
ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but
he’s almost out of mine, I can assure him. What said Master Dommelton
about the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
Everyone mocks me, but my wit is so fertile that I'm not just clever myself—I'm the reason others are clever too. I walk like a mother pig who ate all her piglets but one. If the Prince hired you just to make me look bad, he has no sense. You're worthless—you'd look better as a hat pin than as my servant. I've never had a page so small, and I'm not dressing you in gold or silver but in rags. Your master still has no beard. His chin will never earn a barber a penny. Yet he calls his face a royal face. God may finish it whenever He likes, but there's not a hair wrong with it now. He can keep calling it royal, but no barber will ever profit from it. Still, he swaggers like he invented manhood after his father got married. But he's almost lost my favor. What did Dommelton say about the satin for my cloak?
Everyone makes fun of me, but I'm the reason they can be funny. I'm not just clever—I make other people clever. I walk around like a mother pig that ate all her babies but one. If the Prince put you with me just to make me look stupid, he's an idiot. You're worthless as a servant—you'd look better in my hat. I've never had a page so tiny, and I'm not putting you in fine clothes. I'm dressing you in rags. Your master still can't grow a beard. He'll never make a barber any money. But he goes around saying his face is a royal face. God can finish it whenever, but it looks fine now. Let him keep saying it's royal, but no barber will ever make a dime off it. Still he swaggers like he invented being a man right after his dad got married. He's about lost my respect. So what did Dommelton say about my fancy satin?
everyone mocks me but i make people funny my page is useless prince has no beard what about my satin
He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than Bardolph. He
would not take his band and yours, he liked not the security.
He said you need better security than Bardolph. He won't take both your word.
He wants better collateral. Won't take both your promises.
he won't trust you or bardolph wants security
Let him be damned like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be hotter! A
whoreson Achitophel! A rascally yea-forsooth knave, to bear a gentleman
in hand, and then stand upon security! The whoreson smooth-pates do now
wear nothing but high shoes and bunches of keys at their girdles; and
if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then they must stand
upon security. I had as lief they would put ratsbane in my mouth as
offer to stop it with security. I looked he should have sent me two and
twenty yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me
“security”. Well, he may sleep in security, for he hath the horn of
abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it; and yet
cannot he see, though he have his own lanthorn to light him. Where’s
Bardolph?
Damn him! What a cowardly shopkeeper—to flatter and then demand security! These bald merchants wear nothing but high shoes and key rings. Soon as a man owes them money, it's all 'security.' I'd rather they poison me. I expected twenty-two yards of satin—I'm a true knight—but he sends excuses. Let him be comfortable in his security. He's got the cuckold's horns, his wife's infidelity shines through them like a lantern. Yet he can't see. Where's Bardolph?
Damn him! What a coward—sweet-talk a man and then demand collateral. All these merchants wear high shoes and key rings. Man owes them money, suddenly it's all about 'security.' I'd rather be poisoned. I expected satin and got nothing. Let him stay comfortable—he's got the horns, his wife cheats on him and shines right through them like a light, but he still can't see. Where's Bardolph?
damn the tailor won't give credit all merchants demand security where's bardolph i need him
He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.
He's at Smithfield buying you a horse.
He's at Smithfield getting you a horse.
he's at smithfield buying a horse for you
I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in Smithfield. An I
could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed, and wived.
I bought him from a street broker at St. Paul's, and he's buying me a horse at Smithfield. If I could just get me a wife in the stews, I'd have everything—a man with money, horse, and wife.
I got him from a broker at St. Paul's, and he's getting me a horse at Smithfield. If I could pick up a wife in the brothel district, I'd have it all.
got him at paul's he's getting a horse if i had a wife too i'd be complete
Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking him
about Bardolph.
Sir, here comes the judge who arrested the Prince for striking him about Bardolph.
That's the judge who had the Prince arrested for hitting him over Bardolph.
here comes the chief justice who the prince hit this is bad
Wait close, I will not see him.
Stay quiet. I won't see him.
Shut up. I'm not going near him.
don't talk i'm not seeing him ignore him
The Chief Justice speaks with the patient precision of a man who has dealt with clever criminals before — steady, unimpressed, but not unkind. Watch for how he keeps returning to the point after each of Falstaff's diversions, like a judge who's seen every trick.
What’s he that goes there?
Who's that man walking there?
Who is that?
who's that who's going by
Falstaff, an ’t please your lordship.
Falstaff, if it please your lordship.
It's Falstaff, my lord.
it's falstaff my lord
He that was in question for the robbery?
The one wanted for robbery?
That the robbery suspect?
the robbery guy the one you want
He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at Shrewsbury, and, as
I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
The same, my lord, but he fought well at Shrewsbury and is now going with Prince John under military commission.
Yeah, but he fought well at Shrewsbury and now he's with Prince John as a military officer.
he fought at shrewsbury going with john of lancaster military commission
What, to York? Call him back again.
He's going to York? Call him back.
He's going to York? Stop him.
going to york call him back now
Sir John Falstaff!
Sir John Falstaff!
Sir John Falstaff!
sir john falstaff come back
Boy, tell him I am deaf.
Tell him I'm deaf.
Tell him I can't hear him.
tell him i'm deaf i can't hear
The Lord Chief Justice is easy to underestimate in this scene because Falstaff runs rings around him rhetorically. But he gets everything right. He correctly identifies Falstaff's crimes, his corrupting influence on the Prince, his age, his bankruptcy, his evasions. And crucially, he doesn't get angry. He knows he can't arrest Falstaff right now — the war needs bodies — but he makes his case clearly and without heat. When Falstaff tries to borrow money, he refuses. When the meeting ends, the Chief Justice's dignity is intact and Falstaff's is a performance. Shakespeare sets up this character here because in Act 5, when Hal becomes Henry V, the question of what to do about the Chief Justice (who once imprisoned the Prince himself) will be one of the new king's first and most revealing acts.
You must speak louder, my master is deaf.
You must speak louder—my master is deaf.
You gotta yell—he's deaf!
speak louder he's deaf can't hear you
I am sure he is, to the hearing of anything good.
Go pluck him by the elbow, I must speak with him.
I'm sure he's deaf—deaf to anything good. Go pull him by the arm. I must speak with him.
Yeah, he's deaf to anything decent. Go grab his arm. I need to talk to him.
he's deaf to good to anything decent grab his arm i need to talk
Sir John!
Sir John!
Sir John!
sir john come
What! A young knave, and begging! Is there not wars? Is there not
employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do not the rebels need
soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse
shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were it worse than the name
of rebellion can tell how to make it.
What? A young man begging? Are there no wars? No jobs? Does the King lack soldiers? Don't the rebels need men? Though it's shameful to pick a side, it's worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side.
What? A young guy begging? There's no wars? No jobs? Doesn't the King need soldiers? Don't the rebels? It's shameful to pick sides, but it's worse shame to beg.
a young guy begging no wars no jobs king needs soldiers rebels need men worse to beg than fight
You mistake me, sir.
You misunderstand me, sir.
You got it wrong, sir.
you got it wrong sir
Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my knighthood and
my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat if I had said so.
Did I say you were honest? Setting aside my knighthood and my soldier status, I would have lied if I said that.
Did I call you honest? Forget my title—I'd have been lying if I said that.
did i say you're honest i would've lied if i did
I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your soldiership aside,
and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat, if you say I am
any other than an honest man.
I ask you to set aside your knighthood and tell me plainly: I'm an honest man, or you lie in your throat.
Forget your title. I'm honest, or you're lying.
forget your title i'm honest or you're lying
I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which grows to me? If
thou get’st any leave of me, hang me; if thou tak’st leave, thou wert
better be hanged. You hunt counter. Hence! Avaunt!
You hunt the wrong way. Leave!
You're not tracking right. Get out of here!
you're wrong go away leave me alone
Sir, my lord would speak with you.
Sir, my lord would speak with you.
Sir, the judge wants to talk to you.
sir my lord wants to talk to you
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Sir John, I need to talk to you.
sir john i need a word with you
My good lord! God give your lordship good time of day. I am glad to see
your lordship abroad. I heard say your lordship was sick. I hope your
lordship goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though not clean past
your youth, hath yet some smack of age in you, some relish of the
saltness of time; and I most humbly beseech your lordship to have a
reverend care of your health.
My good lord! God give you a good day. I'm glad to see you out and about. I heard you were ill. I hope you've come out by a doctor's advice. You're still young-ish, though you have some age about you. I humbly beg you to take care of your health.
My lord! Good to see you out. I heard you were sick. Hope you're being careful. You're not old yet, though you're getting there. Please take care of yourself.
good lord good to see you heard you were sick take care of yourself please
Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
Sir John, I sent for you before Shrewsbury.
i sent for you before shrewsbury why didn't you come
An ’t please your lordship, I hear his Majesty is returned with some
discomfort from Wales.
If it please your lordship, I hear His Majesty has returned from Wales with some displeasure.
I heard the King came back from Wales in a bad mood.
the king's back from wales in a foul mood
I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent for you.
I'm not talking about the King. You didn't come when I sent for you.
That's not what we're discussing. You didn't come when I called you.
stop changing subject you didn't come when i sent for you
And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fallen into this same whoreson
apoplexy.
And I hear His Highness has fallen into this same damnable apoplexy.
I hear the Prince has got this same terrible apoplexy.
prince has apoplexy fell into it bad condition
Well, God mend him! I pray you let me speak with you.
Well, God mend him. Now please let me speak with you.
May God help him. Now can I please talk to you?
god help the prince let me talk to you
This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, an ’t please your
lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling.
This apoplexy is, if you please, a kind of lethargy—a kind of sleep in the blood, a damnable tingling.
Apoplexy is kind of like a deep sleep in the blood, a weird feeling.
apoplexy is like sleep in the blood a weird tingling
What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
Don't tell me about it. Be it as it is.
Don't lecture me. Let's move on.
stop let's move on to the point
The gout, the pox, the enormous belly, the cracked voice, the double chin — the Chief Justice's catalogue of Falstaff's physical decay in this scene is also a list of comic props. But Shakespeare is threading something darker through the jokes. The Page is tiny. The doctor found Falstaff's urine healthy but the man who produced it diseased. The purse contains almost nothing. The letters dispatched at the end are to every person Falstaff has some kind of claim on: Lancaster, the Prince, Westmoreland, and a woman he's been stringing along with marriage promises 'since I perceived the first white hair of my chin.' Falstaff is not just old and fat and funny. He is visibly running out of road, and the scene ends with him alone, broke, limping, and declaring he'll profit from his own decay. It's one of Shakespeare's most careful preparations for a tragic ending.
It hath it original from much grief, from study and perturbation of the
brain. I have read the cause of his effects in Galen. It is a kind of
deafness.
It comes from grief and worry—I've read the cause in Galen. It's a kind of deafness.
It comes from stress and worry—I read about it. It's basically deafness.
comes from grief worry stress it's deafness basically
I think you are fallen into the disease, for you hear not what I say to
you.
I think you've caught the disease yourself, for you hear nothing I say to you.
I think you've got it too, because you're not hearing a word I'm saying.
you've got it too not hearing me at all
Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, an ’t please you, it is the
disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that I am troubled
withal.
Very well, my lord. Rather, if you please, my disease is the disease of not listening, the malady of not paying attention, which troubles me.
Okay, my lord. I guess my disease is just not paying attention.
okay my lord my disease is not listening
To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your ears, and
I care not if I do become your physician.
Putting you in the stocks would fix your hearing, and I don't mind being your doctor.
Putting you in jail would fix your ears, and I'm happy to do it.
stocks would fix your hearing i'll be your doctor with punishment
I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your lordship may
minister the potion of imprisonment to me in respect of poverty; but
how I should be your patient to follow your prescriptions, the wise may
make some dram of a scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
I'm as poor as Job, my lord, but not as patient. You might imprison me for poverty, but I won't follow your prescriptions.
I'm broke, my lord, but I'm not patient. You could jail me for it, but I won't take your medicine.
i'm poor as job but not patient you could jail me won't follow prescriptions
I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your life, to
come speak with me.
I sent for you when there were serious charges against you, to speak with me.
I sent for you when you had serious charges hanging over you.
i sent for you serious charges why didn't you come
As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of this
land-service, I did not come.
As I was advised by my learned counsel in legal matters, I did not come.
My lawyer told me not to come, so I didn't.
my lawyer said don't go so i didn't
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
The fact is, Sir John, you're notorious.
the truth is you're notorious infamous
He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less.
Whoever buckles on my belt can't live any better than he does.
Anyone who hangs around me will live just as badly.
anyone with me lives just like me infamous
Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
Your income is small, and your spending is great.
You make almost nothing and spend everything.
make nothing spend everything waste is great
I would it were otherwise, I would my means were greater and my waist
slenderer.
I wish it were otherwise. I wish my means were greater and my waist were smaller.
I wish I made more and spent less.
wish i made more spent less was thinner
You have misled the youthful prince.
You have misled the youthful prince.
You've been a bad influence on the Prince.
you misled the young prince bad influence
The young prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the great belly,
and he my dog.
The young prince has misled me. I'm the fellow with the great belly, and he's my dog.
He's misled me. I'm the fat guy, and he's my pet.
he misled me i'm the fat one he's my dog
Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s service at
Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s exploit on Gad’s
Hill. You may thank th’ unquiet time for your quiet o’er-posting that
action.
I'm loath to wound an old scar. Your service at Shrewsbury has somewhat gilded over your crime on Gad's Hill. The troubled times have covered up your old robbery. You should thank the chaos of the wars for getting away with it.
I don't want to reopen old wounds. Shrewsbury has mostly covered up your Gad's Hill robbery. The wars have distracted from your crime. You should thank the chaos for saving you.
shrewsbury covered up gad's hill robbery wars saved you lucky timing
My lord!
My lord!
My lord!
my lord
But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a sleeping wolf.
But since all is well, keep it that way. Don't wake a sleeping wolf.
But don't stir things up. Leave well enough alone.
leave it alone don't wake the wolf
To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.
Waking a wolf is as bad as smelling a fox.
Waking a wolf is as bad as startling a fox.
waking wolves smelling foxes bad idea
What! You are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
You're like a candle—the better part is burnt out.
You're like a candle—you're almost gone.
you're like a candle burnt out almost done
Almost all of Act 1, Scene 1 is in verse — the formal register of serious political drama. This scene is almost entirely prose, and the shift is the whole point. Falstaff speaks in long, digressive, associative sentences that keep changing direction — starting with a medical question, pivoting to insult the page, pivoting to complain about the tailor, pivoting to spot Bardolph's absence. This isn't stream of consciousness; it's a rhetorical strategy. Falstaff's sentences never arrive where they start. That makes it structurally impossible to pin him down — and it's the same principle the Chief Justice encounters: every accusation gets talked around, parodied, or redirected. When the scene briefly touches verse (for a few of the Chief Justice's lines), you feel the shift like a judge banging a gavel. Shakespeare knows exactly when to change registers.
A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow. If I did say of wax, my growth
would approve the truth.
A drinking candle, my lord—all tallow. If I were wax, my belly would prove it.
A bar candle, all fat. If I were wax, my gut would show it.
i'm all fat tallow candle if i were wax my belly proves it
There is not a white hair in your face but should have his effect of
gravity.
Every white hair on your face should give you dignity.
Every gray hair should make you act serious.
every white hair should be dignified should mean gravity
His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
Gravy, gravy, gravy!
Gravy! Gravy! Gravy!
gravy gravy gravy not gravity gravy
You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.
You follow the young prince around like his dark angel.
You follow the Prince everywhere like a bad influence.
you follow the prince like his bad angel dark influence
Not so, my lord, your ill angel is light, but I hope he that looks upon
me will take me without weighing. And yet in some respects, I grant, I
cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of so little regard in these
costermongers’ times that true valour is turned bearherd; pregnancy is
made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All
the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of this age shapes
them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the
capacities of us that are young; you do measure the heat of our livers
with the bitterness of your galls, and we that are in the vaward of our
youth, I must confess, are wags too.
Not so, my lord. A bad angel is light, but I hope anyone looking at me will take me without weighing. Still, I grant I can't keep up with the young men anymore. Virtue isn't worth anything these days. True bravery has become a beast-keeper. Wit is now just a bartender giving bills. All the qualities that make a man are worthless. You old folks don't understand young people's energy. You judge us by your bitterness.
Not so, my lord. A bad angel is light, but I hope people won't weigh me down. Look, I'm old, I can't keep up. Virtue is worthless now. Real courage tends animals. Wit just counts bar bills. All that used to matter is nothing. You don't understand us young men. You judge us by your own meanness.
i'm heavy but hopefully worth it i can't keep up virtue is worthless all that mattered is nothing you don't understand
Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down
old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye, a dry
hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing
belly? Is not your voice broken, your wind short, your chin double,
your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And
will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!
You have a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly. Your voice is broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single. Every part of you is blasted with age. Will you still call yourself young? Shame, Sir John!
You've got a wet eye, dry hands, a yellow face, white beard, a thin leg, a fat belly. Your voice cracks, you're out of breath, you've got a double chin, and you're not even smart anymore. You're falling apart. How can you call yourself young? Come on!
moist eye dry hand yellow cheek white beard increasing belly broken voice double chin you're old
My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a
white head and something a round belly. For my voice, I have lost it
with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my youth further, I
will not. The truth is, I am only old in judgement and understanding;
and he that will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me
the money, and have at him! For the box of the ear that the Prince gave
you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible
lord. I have checked him for it, and the young lion repents. Marry, not
in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
My lord, I was born about three in the afternoon with a white head and a round belly. I've lost my voice yelling and singing. I'm old only in judgment, and if anyone wants to fight me for a thousand pounds, I'll take their money and fight. As for the Prince hitting you—he did it like an ungracious prince, and you took it like a wise judge. I've scolded him, and the young lion is sorry. Not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old wine.
My lord, I was basically born this way—white head, fat belly. I lost my voice from yelling and singing. I'm old only in my head. Want to bet a thousand pounds I can still fight? About the Prince hitting you—he did it rudely, and you took it well. I've told him off, and he's sorry. Not in rags, but in fine clothes and wine.
i was born this way old only in judgment i can still fight told the prince off he's sorry in his own way
Well, God send the Prince a better companion!
Well, God send the Prince a better companion!
I hope God sends the Prince a better friend!
god send the prince a better friend wish he had one
God send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid my hands of him.
God send my companion a better prince! I can't get rid of him.
God send his friend a better prince! I'm stuck with him.
god send me a better prince i can't get rid of him
Well, the King hath severed you and Prince Harry. I hear you are going
with Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl of
Northumberland.
Well, the King has separated you and Prince Harry. I hear you're going with Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
The King has separated you and Prince Harry. You're going with Prince John against the Archbishop and Northumberland.
king separated you from the prince going with john against the rebels
Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray, all you
that kiss my lady Peace at home, that our armies join not in a hot day;
for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean not to
sweat extraordinarily. If it be a hot day, and I brandish anything but
a bottle, I would I might never spit white again. There is not a
dangerous action can peep out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I
cannot last ever. But it was alway yet the trick of our English nation,
if they have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say
I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God my name were
not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to be eaten to
death with a rust than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion.
Yeah, thank your clever advice for that. But all of you who kiss the Lady Peace at home, pray our armies don't fight on a hot day. By God, I'm only taking two shirts out with me, and I don't plan to sweat much. If it's hot and I carry anything but a bottle, I hope I never spit white again. There's no dangerous action that I don't get shoved into. I can't last forever. It's always the English way: if you have something good, they make it too common. If you say I'm old, you should let me rest. I wish my name weren't so terrible to the enemy.
Yeah, thank you for that advice. Everyone who stays home in peace, pray it doesn't get hot when we fight. I'm only bringing two shirts, and I'm not sweating much. If it's hot and I use anything but a bottle, I'll never look healthy again. Every dangerous fight, they throw me in it. I can't keep going forever. We English always ruin what we've got. If I'm old, let me rest. I wish my name wasn't so scary to the enemy.
thank you for that praying for cool weather only two shirts they throw me in every fight i can't keep going let me rest
Well, be honest, be honest, and God bless your expedition!
Well, be honest, be honest, and God bless your expedition!
Stay honest and God bless you!
stay honest god bless you good luck
Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me forth?
Will your lordship lend me a thousand pounds to outfit me?
Will you lend me a thousand pounds?
lend me a thousand pounds to outfit me
Not a penny, not a penny; you are too impatient to bear crosses. Fare
you well: commend me to my cousin Westmoreland.
Not a penny, not a penny. You're too impatient to bear hardship. Farewell. Give my regards to my cousin Westmoreland.
Not a penny. You can't handle hardship. Goodbye. Say hello to Westmoreland for me.
not a penny you're impatient farewell tell westmoreland
If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more separate
age and covetousness than he can part young limbs and lechery: but the
gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other; and so both the
degrees prevent my curses. Boy!
If I do that, hit me with a sledgehammer. A man can't separate age from greed any more than young limbs from lust. But gout kills one and pox the other, so both together keep me from cursing them both. Boy!
If I do that, beat me with a hammer. You can't separate old age from greed, or young legs from lust. Gout gets one, pox gets the other, so they both keep me from cursing either. Boy!
if i lend him hit me age and greed gout and pox cancelEach other boy
Sir?
Sir?
Sir?
sir
What money is in my purse?
What money is in my purse?
How much money do I have?
how much money do i have in my purse
Seven groats and two pence.
Seven groats and two pence.
Seven groats and two pennies.
seven groats and two pence that's all
I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse. Borrowing
only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable. Go bear
this letter to my Lord of Lancaster; this to the Prince; this to the
Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have
weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair of my
chin. About it. You know where to find me. [_Exit Page_.] A pox of this
gout! or a gout of this pox! for the one or the other plays the rogue
with my great toe. ’Tis no matter if I do halt; I have the wars for my
colour, and my pension shall seem the more reasonable. A good wit will
make use of anything. I will turn diseases to commodity.
I can't cure the disease of my empty purse. Borrowing just stretches it out, but it can't be fixed. Go deliver these letters—one to Lord Lancaster, one to the Prince, one to Westmoreland, one to old Mistress Ursula, whom I've sworn to marry every week since I first noticed a white hair on my chin. Get going. You know where to find me. A curse on this gout! Or let the pox curse the gout! One or the other is destroying my toe. It doesn't matter if I limp. The wars are my excuse, and my pension will seem more reasonable if I'm limping. A good wit can profit from anything. I will turn my diseases into money.
There's no cure for my empty wallet. Borrowing just makes it worse, but it's hopeless. Take these letters—one to Lancaster, one to the Prince, one to Westmoreland, one to Mistress Ursula, who I've been promising to marry every week since I got my first white chin hair. Get going. You know where to find me. Damn this gout! Or damn the pox! One of them's destroying my toe. So what if I limp? I've got the war as cover, and my war pension will look better if I'm limping. A smart guy can profit from anything. I'm turning my diseases into cash.
empty wallet no cure sending letters everywhere to everyone who owes me turning diseases into profit
The Reckoning
If Act 1, Scene 1 was the play's tragic register — grief, death, rebellion — this scene announces that the comedy is still very much alive. Falstaff is older, fatter, in debt, and suffering from gout and the pox simultaneously, but he hasn't lost a step rhetorically. The Chief Justice gets every charge right and none of them stick. The scene ends with Falstaff alone, nearly broke, dispatching letters in all directions, and declaring he'll turn his diseases into profit. It's funny and it's also, on a second read, rather sad.
If this happened today…
A retired celebrity who rode the coattails of a younger star is walking down Fifth Avenue with his tiny personal assistant. His doctor just texted that his bloodwork is terrible. He ducks behind a column when he spots the lawyer who's been trying to depose him for three separate fraud cases. The lawyer catches him anyway. Thirty minutes of gleeful deflection follow: every accusation is met with a joke, a counter-accusation, or an outright change of subject. The lawyer gives up and leaves. The celebrity checks his bank account: $1.40. He starts calling everyone he knows to borrow money for the trip he's been drafted onto.